Thoughts On: John 3:17-21

 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God."

John 3:17-21, ESV

Having a light turned on when you are accustomed to darkness hurts. It sears and it burns and it makes you want to go back to the cave you lived in before you met the sun. That’s what coming to Christ felt like to me. I tore holes in my prayer journals, I stained my pillows with mascara, and I drove around for miles trying to rid myself of the pain that the light revealed in my life. I wanted to turn around and go back. I wanted to give up. There were nights I thought maybe I didn’t want God in my life anymore.

The problem was that, instead of noticing the small steps I took toward the sun, I only noticed the darkness I was coming from, and I felt shame. It is easy to fall for the lie when you are only just beginning: Christ came to condemn.

I have known for a while that Christ did not come to condemn. The lie infiltrated my life from a young age, but it’s not true, and I see that now. But what John is teaching me is that there is a flip side - a lens through which to see the agony of those few years after I gave my life over to God. The truth is simple: Christ came to bring light. 

And now I am beginning to see where my salvation took place. My salvation began when I decided I wanted light instead. I craved it. I felt my soul shivering in the dark for years, and the cold became too much - I needed the truth. My cries at eighteen were only the beginning, and this blog is a continuation of that desperate sob: I must have light. I have lingered in darkness long enough to know what lurks there, and it made me scared. So I will stay with Christ, who came so that my frozen heart could be brought back to life. Slowly, the light is becoming stronger than the night.