Thoughts On: John 5:10-17

They asked him, "Who is the man who said to you, 'Take up your bed and walk'?" Now the man who had been healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had withdrawn, as there was a crowd in the place. Afterward Jesus found him in the temple and said to him, "See, you are well! Sin no more, that nothing worse may happen to you." The man went away and told the Jews that it was Jesus who had healed him. 

John 5:12-15, ESV

Since I'm in a ministry position now, I like to pretend that I'm all better. I like to pretend that I don't get depressed, or so anxious that my stomach knots itself up and decides not to cooperate all day. I like to pretend that I don't still struggle with isolating myself or neglecting my own health. I pretend I don't have anger or pride or any of the things that have long haunted my heart. The problem is that I'm 23, and no 23 year old knows much of anything, including myself. Most 23 year olds still have a lot of healing to encounter, and that is what the past three weeks have taught me. That is what John is teaching me. 

For so long I believed the lie that it is only our symptoms that need healing. The woman who struggles with anxiety just needs to breathe. The man with a heroin addiction just needs to drop the needle. The girl with a sex problem just needs to find better accountability. I've met people who have only found the healing of their symptoms. I've been one of those people. But I am learning something new, now - that God cares about the state of our hearts. He cares about the roots. I am learning that God wants to heal our souls.

I firmly believe I am in a new season of life. Spending time in Paris brought the Gospel from my head and into my heart, and I will never be the same. But it hurt to realize that this new season would not be void of the same thoughts that haunted me before Paris. I think the difference now, though, is that I am awake. I can recognize the symptoms and I can recognize that there is a heart problem involved. I recognize, now, that recovery is a long and winding road. I recognize that picking up my mat and walking is only the beginning of the story. I recognize that healing must go deep, and that we must become deeper with it. 

I had a rough time getting to where I am now. The healing process hurt and it brought me to my knees on more than one occasion. But I am so thankful for this truth, because it means that God cares more about the deepest parts of my being than he does the surface. It means he loves me. I can't think of a greater truth to learn.