30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30
In 2019 Taylor Swift wrote an article for Elle with this title, and I’ve been saving up my thoughts in order to write my own ever since. The time has finally come (I turn 30 tomorrow), so here are 30 things I’ve learned that have changed my life in this past decade.
Let people change you. Not just in that you let them move around some of the furniture of your life, or swap out one piece of art for another. I mean, let people knock down walls and open up your heart. Let them tears things down and renovate and build something new. Let people change the interior and exterior of your life instead of walling yourself in and staying safe.
Don’t use force. Do knock on doors and seek out opportunities. Do make an effort. Do try things. But if you have to force someone to like you, or choose you, or notice what you bring to the table, then it isn’t worth it. In love, in vocation, in career - don’t force it.
Be a fan. Find things to love and love them. A sports team. An artist. A game. Don’t hold it so tightly that it becomes more than what it is, but it is okay to love things and get excited about them, and to find joy in things other people think are dumb. Life is hard - it’s best to enjoy the little things.
You don’t have to dive in head first. You can take it slow, ease in, and focus on not drowning. I tend to want to jump six levels instead of just one, but it’s okay to take the stairs one at a time.
I’m a better version of myself when I move my body everyday. I don’t love gyms (yet) and I still can’t get myself to run, but walking and yoga have been staples these past ten years, and have carried me through a lot of hard times. Next up: boxing.
Forgive. You may not have deserved the things that have happened to you, and in the end they may be unexplainable. But forgiveness is powerful, necessary, and it will allow you to feel true joy again.
Make friends who are younger than you. One of the very best things I did in my twenties was lead a middle school girls small group. I went to camp with them, led service projects with them, and laughed at silly jokes with them over hot chocolate in my living room every Tuesday night. Those girls are graduating high school now and beginning their adult lives, and man, they are the coolest people to ever exist. I’m so proud of them, and I’m grateful to call them friends.
Make friends who are older than you. Especially when you’re in crisis, you’ll find that friends in their fifties, sixties, seventies and eighties will often offer a deeper and more balanced perspective of what you’re going through. They’ll probably also say “give it time” a lot. This will make you mad, until you find out it’s true.
Your talent doesn’t owe you anything. Just because you can do something well doesn’t mean you’re ready for the leadership responsibility that may come with it. Take your twenties to develop your character, because your gifts will rest on that foundation for the rest of your life. Character first, always.
Get counseling or do a course. Not everyone can afford counseling, and not every counselor is good. But no matter what, seek out emotional healing. My favorite resources are Emotionally Focused and Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. Spiritual direction is also a game changer.
Get prayer. I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit and a God who wants to heal you. We don’t know why healing doesn’t always happen and why it happens when and where it does, but I’ve found (even more than counseling and courses) that prayer has been what transforms me on the deepest level.
Invest in the basics. Buy clothes you love, and buy clothes that will last. A goal for my thirties: thrift more.
Wash and moisturize your face. When the “get ready with me” videos were first gaining traction, I asked my dermatologist what I really needed to do to take care of my skin. She said not to fall for marketing and to go with the dermatologist-recommended brands (CeraVe, Cetaphil), and to cleanse, moisturize and use sun protection. I still like a face mask now and then, but the basics seem to be doing just fine.
Get out of bed. If you’re feeling down: walk, shower, brush your teeth, go to Trader Joe’s. Do something simple that will help to shift your atmosphere and mindset. If you can’t get out of bed, call someone who knows you and tell them what’s up. Don’t go it alone - ever.
You’ll learn more in practice than you will from a degree. I love learning and I mostly loved studying for my degrees, but everything of real worth was learned in applying knowledge to the stickiness of real life.
Atmosphere matters. It’s not always possible to live in a place with natural light and ambient background noise, but if you are someone who is affected by atmosphere, listen to that and find places where you feel whole and like yourself. For me, this is almost always a bookstore, library, or coffee shop.
Singleness is not worse or better than marriage. And vice versa. Each have their gifts and their griefs, and we need to do a better job of equalizing these seasons (and, often, callings) of life. Usually (but not always), this means reminding people that singleness is as important and necessary as marriage.
Keep a budget. At first my budget made me more anxious. Then it made me feel safe. Then it made me feel free.
When in doubt, be more generous. Budgets are great and I love them, but if there’s a question of whether or not to give, always lean on the side of generosity. Some of my most profound lessons in my twenties had to do with trusting God with my money, and I’m ready to lean into that more in my thirties.
You don’t have to travel to learn. Most of us won’t find time or resources to travel often, and that is 100% normal and okay. Travel is a luxury - don’t let anyone tell you that it is necessary to grow. But do listen to podcasts, read books, and watch movies that aren’t about you and your cultural group. Enter into stories that aren’t your own. I personally advocate for reading more children’s books (I recently finished The Night Diary and highly recommend it), but podcasts and newspapers will do just fine.
Find and eat good food. Food is a gift and makes the world a better place, so go out and find local food that makes your soul sing.
Learn to sit in darkness. When I was 22, I got a job at the Ronald McDonald House. I was scared of how much sadness lived in that place, and I still vividly remember a grieving mother handing me a plant as she checked out. Someone had given it to her for good luck, but her little boy had died, and she didn’t want to see it anymore. I remember the darkness, but I also remember what it meant to be with her in that moment, which led to many more moments like it as I pastored students and adults through desolate places. I’ve learned not to run from darkness, but to allow myself and others to sit in overwhelming waves of grief, even when there’s nothing you can do to fix it.
Choose to stay in touch with old friends. I have only recently made this more of a priority, but some of my best friends are still people I met in high school and college. Those friendships require effort, but they’re worth it.
Choose to sometimes act against your feelings. Sometimes it’s good to take the mental health day, but sometimes what I actually need is people, and to get ready and go do something. I’ve learned to discern what I actually need, and a lot of the time it means doing something I actually don’t want to do in the moment. Nearly always the hard decision is worth it at the end of the day.
Enjoy your coffee. I’ll drink whatever coffee you put in front of me, but I now make myself one exceptional pour over or espresso in the morning. Again, it’s those little things.
Choose people over perfectionism. I tend to base my life around principles, and I’ve learned that love means choosing the actual person in front of me over the idealized version of them I’ve made up in my head. This also means accepting my own self when I regularly don’t live up to my own expectations.
Women can and should lead. I don’t debate this with people - there are plenty of resources out there to learn from, and it’s not my main focus at the moment. But I firmly, completely, irrevocably believe that if we bar women from leadership we are not only missing out, but also being disobedient to God’s plan for his Kingdom.
Confess. Tell on yourself, even if it’s just something you thought but never acted on. Saying things out loud immediately causes them to lose most of their power.
Let people be mad at you. As a recovering people-pleaser, I had to learn how to let someone be mad at me. I’ve learned how to say “yeah, that sucked, I’m sorry,” and I’m always learning how to be less defensive. This also means I’ve gotten better at being mad. If something hurts me, I’ve learned to call someone up right away and chat about it. Usually, that means saying “when you did this I felt _____,” and, because I’m friends with wonderful people, those conversations usually end well and with laughter.
Following Jesus is the best decision I have ever made. I’ve been truly following Jesus for 12 years now, and it just keeps getting better. He’s worth it all.
Here’s to another decade of loving and learning and seeking humility over influence (God help me), and to all the good food and good coffee the world has to offer.