Thoughts On: Acts 1:7-8
"He said to them, 'It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.'"
Acts 1:7-8, ESV
I woke up on January 1st of 2016 crying. I had a vivid dream about preaching in the middle school room where I now work - I wouldn't see the job posting until two days later, and I hadn't yet visited the room, but I would walk in two months later and realize: this is the room I dreamed of. In my dream, though, duct tape covered my mouth, and as hard as I tried no words came out. I could see the students and I knew what I wanted to tell them, but the tape held me captive. I woke up in tears, knowing I had something to say but having no outlet to say it.
Two weeks ago, as I stood in the back of the room room waiting to preach, a Scripture flashed across my mind: "you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you." I couldn't remember the reference, but I remember loving the clarity of the verse as a child. It is direct, it is logical, it is obvious. For so long, though, I thought the verse was for men. I bought the theology and preached it myself: women have their jobs and their callings, but the power of the Holy Spirit is for men.
The lie infiltrated my life from day one: I have no power. As women, the world teaches us that we are to be whoever men need us to be. We help, we give, we compromise ourselves until our whole identity is wrapped around other people. Not only do we neglect to cultivate our core, we are actually told, directly and indirectly, that we do not have the capacity to be our own person. I talk often about how much I love my job, and I still do, because up until two years ago I thought I would need to marry a man who had my dreams. As a woman stripped of all power, I tried to find a man who would lead me into the life I dreamed of - for the record, ladies, this is not a good way to find a spouse.
When I joined my church last summer, I shied away from talking about the Holy Spirit. His power and authority scared me - I wanted to remain cozy and safe in the fruit of the Spirit, gentleness and patience and peace, but I had no interest in becoming strong, in unleashing the power of the Spirit within me. I don't blame anyone in my life for my theology concerning women - I never wanted the power. I thought it was wrong. Now I know, though - the Holy Spirit unleashes power. It's not the power of this world. It is a power that loves and rejoices and fights for peace and justice. It is the kind of power that rips off the duct tape and gives us a voice - all of us, men and women alike.
I'm still getting there. This is a new concept for me, and I've never been one to dive into the deep end. I ease in, with caution and with intention, but somehow I always end up where I cannot touch - treading water and excited to be alive. There's no way to say when that will be, but I know, in the deepest part of my soul, that I am exactly where I need to be to get there.