Thoughts On: John 4:16-26

Jesus said to her, "Go, call your husband, and come here." The woman answered him, "I have no husband." Jesus said to her, "You are right in saying, 'I have no husband'; for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband. What you have said is true." 

John 4:16-18

This week has brought up a decent amount of my own failure. I blew my horn at a car who had barely done a thing wrong, I became angered by family members who only wanted to spend time with me, and I waltzed out on a coworker during a heated discussion because my frustrated tears threatened to surface too soon. It has been a raw, depleted week, and a good portion of the lost energy resulted from a lie I've been believing for a while, now - the lie that I can hide. 

I can always feel it creeping in, this silly lie. It is dark and horrific and bloodstained. It feels as if someone had traded my life for a horror movie, and no matter how many children's books I read, I cannot shake the feeling. My sin, my pride, my self-righteousness and my isolation reek of the devil, and hiding only ever makes it worse.

But this week I remembered the beauty of repentance. It is hard sometimes, without the more obvious sins in my life, to notice when I am slipping into the horror; but I felt it this week in my exhaustion, and I decided to repent. And that's when the truth set in: Jesus knows my sin.

I can understand why this wouldn't be relieving to some people. I know it didn't bring me relief during my days of isolation. But now, with a few years of true repentance under my belt, I get it. Repentance is like a fresh stream in the country, bubbling with life and welcoming me into gentleness and truth and joy and goodness. Repentance is like a wide open sky, beckoning me to dance and twirl and lie down and watch. Repentance is like finding your breath after nearly drowning. Repentance feels like God is saving your life, over and over and over again - because he is. 

And so I find it comforting, that Jesus Christ knows the sins I don't even know I've committed yet. He already knows, and he's beckoning me to come and worship, in spirit and in truth. I barely even understand what that means, yet, but I know it's better than the horrific pain of sin and rebellion. Sin is exhausting. Jesus beckons me into more. I'm so glad I chose Him.