Thoughts On: John 4:1-15

Jesus said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water."

John 4:13-15, ESV

It's been a long week. One of those weeks that you know will be a big deal when you look back on it, but at the moment it's all a little too much. I've reconnected with people I thought I'd never reconnect with, one full of honest forgiveness and nostalgia, and one full of frustration and sadness. I've worked a lot, preparing for a week that we've been talking about since I interviewed in February, and I've realized a lot in all of this, about my past and about my future and about the things that were a part of one but won't be a part of the next. The tying up of loose ends has brought weariness and tears. 

One of the biggest things I've realized over the past year is that, in all of my relationships, I need to be a whole person. Only a few years ago, I had no idea that I treated the people in my life like medicine. I wanted them to heal me, and to satisfy me, and to make me complete. It never worked, and last year I fell flat on my face from the two heartbreaks I endured only two months apart. I thought maybe I'd never be whole again - God knows I didn't believe I could be whole on my own. 

At the end of four years of failed relationships, I knew there was a problem. I consistently ended up in tumultuous, unhealthy relationships, romantic and friendly alike, and at the end of it all I had to look at the truth, at what I had believed, and how it had ravaged my heart: God was not enough for me.

And so I drank the world's water - the water of romance and enmeshment and tumultuous passion. I drank that water like I still drink coffee, and the effect was the same: My thirst never left. I was always thirsty, and always thirstier after I got what I thought I wanted. It was awful, and I'm thankful I wore myself out on that elixir. It never satisfied. 

The truth is that Jesus satisfies.

I'm still at the beginning of this truth. I think it solidified itself this week, after reading and talking and apologizing and forgiving. But I know it's true, now - Jesus will satisfy me. He is the living water. He's got everything I need, and I can come to him in pieces and wait on him to heal my heart. It is in him, and him alone, that I will become whole.

As someone who has been addicted to being only a half, this truth doesn't always feel soothing or right. But the truth never starts out feeling true. The truth will always begin as something strange, but we'll know it's the truth because we won't be able to take our eyes off it. We can avoid it all we want, but the truth never stops knocking. I'm glad I let this one in.