Thoughts On: John 6:1-14

One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter's brother, said to him, "There is a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish, but what are they for so many?" Jesus said, "Have the people sit down."Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, about five thousand in number. Jesus then took the loaves, and when he had given thanks, he distributed them to those who were seated. So also the fish, as much as they wanted. And when they had eaten their fill, he told his disciples, "Gather up the leftover fragments, that nothing may be lost." So they gathered them up and filled twelve baskets with fragments from the five barley loaves left by those who had eaten.

John 6:8-13, ESV

I am learning a lot about self-care right now. I’m learning that I’m not good at it, and I’m learning that it is critical I get better. I am also learning that self-care takes time, and that it’s not about bubble baths or binging on Netflix. Self-care is about taking responsibility for your own life, creating boundaries where they need to be, and letting go of unnecessary chaos and drama - all things I struggle with. But I’m learning, and I’m beginning to believe that this learning process may actually be fun. 

The part that is not fun, however, is always the process of digging up the lie, and the lies that keep me away from self-care are many. I believed a lot of things that weren’t true growing up, but the one that comes up today is that I must fight for my nourishment. I never quite believed God when he said he would take care of me. For years, I thought it was my job to take care of myself, and instead I used that energy to take care of everyone else. I thought nourishment was scarce, and that to get any for myself would be selfish. In believing the lie that my nutrients in life must be fought for, I gave up. I hate fighting. 

The story of Jesus multiplying the loaves and the fish is the exact opposite of this lie. No one fights for scraps of food. No one yells or acts needy or throws a punch. They don’t have to. Jesus creates food in abundance for those people, so much so that they couldn’t eat everything he created. The truth is that Jesus multiplies our nourishment. 

I am still learning this truth, day by day. Sometimes I still try to fight for the things I think I need, as if God will not feed me daily. I still become apathetic when I think I will have to fight too hard for something, or when I feel helpless to nourish myself. I still fear not having enough and I still struggle to trust God. But that is what these truths are for - they are allowing me to see the truth that hides behind all the lies. They allow me to wrestle with what I thought I knew, and come to terms with what I’ve always hoped was real. I may not live out of nourishment now, but untangling this lie was the first step, and there’s no telling the wholeness and peace that will come from it.